Previous: Shea-ds of Grey

“He… Was… My little brother.” A tinge of regret at the evocation of that memory. He'd held him as he lay dying on the garage floor. Strangely, it was Bones who'd been the one trying to hold on to him once he'd gone, Seeley just sat back against the nearest car and told her to let him go. He had to let the tears go.

He squeezed her hand slightly. “I didn't check. I was focused on you. I can call Nate if it would help? I need my hand though.” Another little squeeze. “Not taking the other off the wheel!” There was a slight chuckle there.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean…” She whispered, then shook her head. “Call when we get home, please. I can't let you go.” She said, looking down at her blanketed form. She squeezed his hand.

She hadn't meant to make him hurt. She was trying to explain what was in her mind, so he knew she was trying to find her way to a neutral middle ground of 'okay but not okay' for him.

“It's OK Ella. You only knew him for six months as your shrink, and then as your friend. He was my partner. His son bears my name.” That was a happy thought to hold onto. Lance brought new life into the world with Daisy. Seeley Lance Wick-Sweets.

“Ours could bear his.” He wanted children when he could settle down. He was worried the job would mean a fatherless child. And now… An orphan.

“I know. I didn't mean to insinuate that I was as close…” She bowed her head. However long she knew him was nothing in the face of how long her husband had known him.

But she looked up. “Lance Booth.” She mused. “It has a good ring to it. I like it. When God gives us our miracle, if he is a boy, we'll name him Lance.” She smiled.

“It's OK. Really. I know you didn't mean anything bad.” He gave her hand a little squeeze. “Stay with me.”

“Lance Booth. Lance…” He paused for a moment. “Nathaniel Booth. They've both been good friends, to both of us.”

He pulled up in the driveway of their home. “I need to let go, but only so I can get you inside. Will you be OK for those few moments, Ella?”

Ella looked at him. “Then perhaps we might light a candle at Mass on Sunday that God will bless us soon?” She asked, her brain pulled from the brink to focus on what he was saying. She nodded. “I will be okay for a few moments. I know you are with me, and I know God will forgive me long before I forgive myself. I will be okay.”

He released his hand from where it was intertwined with hers, slipped out of the car and moved around to her side. He pulled the door open and offered to help her out of her seat, wrapped as she was in the blankets. He didn't want her to get cold, the shock would be much worse.

“Come on, let's get you inside.”

The grip she had on the present slipped a little when she didn't have further input to focus on. She watched his hand slip from her bloodied one. Blood. You killed someone… The static hissed but stayed low. God, she was doing well, all things considered….

Blood. Inside. She needed a bath. A shower. Something. Wash away the sin. It wasn't a crime! It was either him or me! “Inside…” She repeated as she took his hand.

He helped her out, made sure the blankets stayed around her body, kept her warm. He led up to the porch, inside, then into the bathroom. He helped her out of her gear, then her clothes, balling up everything with blood on it to deal with later. She was more important.

He started a bath running, watching it as he wrapped her in a towel and washed her hands as clean as he could get them. He didn't want her sitting in the bath with it turning red, reminding her.

He brought her over to the bath, large enough for the both of them, turned off the running water, then shrugged out of his own gear and clothes, doing the same as with hers. He washed his own hands, then slipped into the bath with her, pulling her on top of him, wrapping his arms around her.

He didn't remain silent, every so often he would check on her, calling her name. “Ella, I'm still here.” “Ella, stay with me.” “Ella, focus.” He didn't want to lose her to a world of introspection and disorder. He needed her to stay with him.

She was quiet as he led her into the house. She walked with small steps, careful to not shake anything on the floor as they went into the bathroom. She was quiet as he helped her out of her clothes. Her gear. Body armor.

Body armor. She went pale. Malachi had a knife. She stared at the body armor. He had a knife. Knife…and she shot him with a bullet. He didn't have armor. She did. Her eyes were locked on her armor as her husband washed her hands.

Water. Armor. He had a knife. She was armored. He had a knife. She shot him with a bullet. Warm. Water. Blood. Warm. Her lips were parted in a slight 'o'.

warmwaterwarmblood hewasn'tarmored youwere

Ella…. youwerearmored hewasn'tarmored hehadaknife youshothim
Ella…. bulletknifearmorflesh
Ella…. waterbloodwaterwater….

“I shot him.”
“Seeley I was armored.”
“Baby I shot him…..”

“Ella!” He raised his voice a little, trying to snap her out of it. “Gabi!” Her old name. Contrast. Something to snap her out of it.

“Yes. Yes. Yes. All true. There are gaps in the vest, what if he hit one of those? What if he hit your beautiful face? What if…?”

He held up his hand in front of her face, back to her, fingers splayed. “Look at me.” His hand was shaking. He'd been worried about her. “You did the right thing. Focus on me. Ella? Focus on the man who loves you and is glad you are still alive.”

“Focus on me, Daniela Leanne Booth. Focus on Seeley Joseph Booth. Focus on your Master.”

Ella! youshothim
Gabi! ohshitpayattention

Her eyes turned towards his. Words. Gaps. His hand was shaking. Shaking. Worry. Ialmostlostyou. Icouldhavelostyou. Armorisn'tfoolproof. Yourthroatwasopen.

Fullname. Master. Master. Master. Seeley. Master. Love. Love. Magic. “Tell me about the day we met?” She whispered shakily.

Seeley slipped his arms around her, under the water, holding her against him.

“Which time?” He laughed. He knew the day she meant, he was trying to make her laugh. She didn't mean the very first time when he was on a case and she happened to turn up. Nor when he was at her graduation, watching from afar while Sweets congratulated her. She meant…

“The morning when I bumped into you and we swapped guns? Then I…” 'Followed' didn't sound like a great word… “Bumped into you at Katie's coffee shop?”

It worked…sort of. She made a small smile and let out a huff that could have passed for a solitary chuckle. “Yes. Tell me…about that day. Please, Master?”

Master is talking. Focus. Keep talking. Words. Ask him for happy memories.

Remind me. Pull me out. Here's my hand.

Pull me out.

Good. It got her attention, at least.

“Well. I was supposed to be tracking you, and… I got distracted enough that I ended up bumping into you in the street. I don't do that much, but I offered because I was on the way to her coffee shop and you were on the same route. So I volunteered to pick up the slack.”

“You remember the gun show. My 1911. Your VP9. The mutual respect of two people who knew how to use them. I didn't check if it was registered or not. I was intentionally sloppy. You quipped about a mob princess and a fed, how it would be a scandal if we went out for dinner…”

He paused for a moment… “Remember that? The first time?”

Engaging. Asking. Yes.

“I remember. I…” Think. Words. Ella, focus. Gabi, speak. “I panicked…and…then…I sat beside you. I wanted comfort.” That sharp huff again. A laugh. What passed for a laugh right now. “And…you made it worse. You didn't know then. Not yet. About..the static.”

Static? No. None. She knew she was safe, knew she'd acted accordingly. If she hadn't, others would have. She knew when she took the job. Eventually, she'd kill someone. Kill…no. Focus.

“I wanted comfort. Even then. From you. But…you didn't know. And you came anyways. And comforted me. I want…a lot of children.” She said, finally answering the question he'd asked that day. “A lot of miracles. With you.”

He nodded, placing a kiss on the back of her head. “No, I didn't know about the static. I'm still unsure at times, but you suffer less now than you did.”

He was aware that the worst had passed when he rescued her from Big Ange. She seemed so much more stable once that part of her life was gone. Once she knew both she and Little Ange were safe. He'd given the kid plausible deniability, shot him in the arm, given him one hell of a story he'd used when he was picking up guys. It meant he lived.

“No, I didn't know. Katie told me to follow you. No, she told me to chase you, to 'get my girl'. I didn't know why she said that at the time, but she saw the signs neither of us did. I'm glad she made me follow you.”

Now he grinned once more. She seemed more lucid, more in the moment. Getting better. It would still be a while until she recovered, it always hurt. “Good. Thank you for answering the first real question I asked you, Ella!”

Take me into that space. The one I sometimes go into. Yes. Good! Praise. She puffed up a little. “Your first assignment was hell. I missed you so much. I…remember when you came back. The first time you held me. I…” She was searching through a brain that kept struggling to go back to the part where she shot a man. She was trying her best, and she was doing alright at it. It was just taking her longer to fetch things from her memory.

“The first assignment where I FaceTimed you every day for the whole two weeks? Where we talked about… Anything we could think of? You showed me little glimpses of your tattoos, spoke about how little things helped you, and I suggested when I got back we go out somewhere? I came back, and I took you to the range. Held you, helped you to relax.” Like now. He was holding her, using his voice to keep her present, focused on the now. “How I held you.”

“You've held me from the day you heard me scream.” She whispered. She'd read the dossiers, the case files. His report. There had always been suspicion, hunch, that Carlucci would kill her the moment she gave him an excuse to. She didn't find it creepy at all. For whatever reason, the FBI, and Seeley…and Sweets….they'd all tried to give the woman who wanted nothing to do with the mafia…a shot at a normal life.

“But…when you came behind me…held me…” Words, Ella. Words. Find them. Let this man know how much you love him. “You never stopped. I thought…that day I thought my anxiety….killed it. Killed it all. And I was so crushed. I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted a life with you. I never wanted anyone until the day I met you…and I've never wanted to let go. I'm so sorry I told you to forget me…”

She was crying, sobbing. Finally, some release of emotion. It was better than the way she was grappling, struggling. Let's talk. Keep me talking.

His hands around her stomach started to knead, trying to give her some sensation to focus on. His fingers, on her body, holding her close to him.

“I never was any good at following orders.” His turn to laugh, but it was a little muted. He still worried about her. He could feel she was getting some release, that she was getting better. “I never did forget you. You wouldn't let me. Even though you told me to forget you, I always ran into you at the coffee shop. You adjusted your run timing slightly to make sure you'd bump into me. If I was late, you'd wait. Nate told me you waited an hour for me once when I was called away and didn't get a chance. I never told you how annoyed I was.”

“I did one thing you asked, though.” He waited a moment while he squeezed her, placed a soft kiss on the back of her damp hair. “I never let go.”

“I did say in the alley that I wanted to try…” She actually smiled through her tears as she focused on his touch. “I wanted to show you that I was. Trying.”

“You were annoyed? I honestly thought when you got sent on assignment…when you told me about it…I thought you were just trying to get out of our date that night. I wanted to see you off. I wanted to hug you….I wanted to kiss you. Katie told me you were upset about having to leave…said something about being set back two steps when you'd just taken one forward, but…I didn't believe until you wanted to facetime me.”

Her phone was chiming at her. A Facetime call. Who in the world? She picked up and swiped to turn video on. “Seeley?” She asked incredulously when she saw his face. Smoldering eyes. Adorkable smiled. “Hey there, beautiful.” He'd said.

“I could have sworn you looked nervous…and you never let go.” She said softly. “Now look at us.”

She'd shoved the night into a box, to be processed in therapy. His wife had always been strong. Resilient.

“Sometimes, I wish people could know the truth of us. Our story is so beautiful.” She whispered. At least Nate, Katie, and their co-workers knew.

“Now you're a part of my life, you know how quickly I have to heed the call. Tonight shows that.” Even when he wasn't at work, he was on-call as the Special Agent-in-Charge. It also meant he had a lot of free time to spend with her when he wasn't on a case or assignment because he was given free rein. The benefits of a high up position.

Call her. Don't call her. Pace the room. He needed to tell her he wasn't running away, so why was he nervous when it came to calling her? His normally confident demeanor wan't there. He punched her contact and sat down, putting on his best look. She answered and that was all he needed for his confidence to solidify and his face to light up for her.

“No, I never let go. I will never let go.” He gave her another squeeze to show how much he meant it.

“The important people know. The ones who are a part of our life. Nobody else matters.”